MOTHERHOOD AND HOW I LOST MY IDENTITY

This is a sensitive and personal topic I am going to open up about today.
So here we go... Motherhood... Something I have devoted my everything to, precisely to the point of losing my identity.

I mean honestly, I don't think there are enough words to explain it all. I have been doing some intensive soul searching for the past three months. For the first time in seven years, I have started brain storming on things I would like to start doing and achievements I would like to complete. I feel new energy and ambition flowing through my body, something I haven't felt for a while.

In this post I will be using a lot of '' I '' instead of  '' we '', because that is what my motherhood represents. So... my current occupation is being a housewife and a stay at home mother. Honestly my job is to be our family's domestic goddess and full time mother. My husband has his job, which is not only time consuming but also requires his full focus and attention. He provides for us in a way I couldn't be more thankful for. This arrangement works perfectly for our family.


This is how my journey to motherhood started. I was twenty three years old when we had our first baby. Now looking back I realize how young I really was! Our first born Adriana was anticipated and we were blessed to be able to conceive her after three months of trying. I was so excited to become a mother. After having our first baby my life naturally changed, but not too dramatically. Like any parent knows, you lose a certain amount of freedom and your personal schedules and routines change. But looking back and remembering those days, when I was a mother to only one child I realize how lucky I was. I could nap whenever my baby napped, which helped balance all of the sleepless nights. I was able to keep up with my exercise regime. I easily took care of my daily chores and cooking without feeling stressed out. Getting out of the house to go food shopping or just to explore the city did not feel like a big deal. My normal life continued after my firstborn, the only difference was I got a little companion to continue it with, all day everyday.


I got pregnant with our second baby when I was twenty five years old. This pregnancy was also anticipated, so the idea of having two children was not intimidating. Adriana was only three years old, but she was advanced for her age. She fully understood that she was going to be a big sister. My pregnancy with my second baby was a lot different then with my first. I felt sick to my stomach for 3 months straight and not being able to sleep whenever I wanted to (special thanks to my active, super talkative toddler) did not help at all. I  gave birth to Adelina when I was twenty six years old. Adelina was pretty easy going as baby, so I didn't feel too overwhelmed, although I was alone most of the time. My husband was usually gone two to four nights a week due to his game schedule. At that time we lived in Moscow and my husband pretty much forced me to take on help. Understanding that life alone in Moscow with two small kids could be challenging and a bit scary. At the time we hired a babysitter to help me out from time to time and be available whenever I felt I needed the help, especially when I was alone. For those who haven't been to Moscow could not even imagine what the traffic is like. It is horrendous at times. The area we lived at then was outside of Moscow, so a simple car ride to our closest food store could have easily taken me up to forty minutes. Trips like that were much easier to take care of without two small impatient kids who suffered from car sickness.


Ten months passed and I found out I was pregnant again! Our third pregnancy was not planned but my intuition told me that this baby was a missing piece from our puzzle. My third pregnancy was a challenging one. My body did not agree with my hectic schedule. I was exhausted. I spent most of my pregnancy in Moscow but in December when my husbands season finished I moved back to Helsinki with the girls to prepare for labor. I got peace in knowing my family would be close to me and would be there to support me after giving birth, since my husband would be in the middle of his season again.

I was twenty seven years old when I had my third baby. I was nervous about welcoming our baby boy home. Adriana was already a pro on being a big sister, but, Adelina... She was still so tiny, so clueless and fragile. When I got home from the hospital with Romeo it really hit me that I have a newborn baby that needed all of my attention and another baby who was only one and a half years old who also felt the need for my attention and affection. Coming home with a newborn is usually a happy moment and it was, but at the same time I personally went through some weird grieving experience.

I have an anxiety disorder and I feel it has gotten worse after certain life situations and after having children. With my anxiety I started losing my identity and this is how I felt it progressed:

- Little by little I let go of taking personal time for myself. Including the simplest things like exercising,  or being able to take a shower without two, four or six pairs of eyes watching me.

- I lost focus and stopped concentrating on things that made me feel better about myself as a woman, like going to the hairdressers, getting a facial or a mani/pedi.

- I created my own little bubble. I  actually convinced myself that I did not need to socialize with other adults! How crazy is that?!? I love to socialize and enjoy having conversations about anything and everything. From time to time I have had the craziest feeling of being lonely when in fact I am never really alone. I always have my three musketeers by my side.

- Obviously sleep deprivation carries a big role in all of this. My sister always jokes about me not sleeping like a normal human being in seven years, and she is right! I used to think I was someone who could not function if I didn't get 8 hours of sleep... until I had my first baby. Hahaha.

- Oh and last but not least. I actually started to care about a few snarky comments made about me. Comments degrading my job as a stay at home mother. At one point I quietly started agreeing with them and putting myself down. Well ladies and gentleman... anyone who has been or is a stay at home mother/housewife knows that this a full time job and is a very demanding occupation which holds several positions. I work 365 days a year, including ''holidays''. My work day usually consists of 16 hours. I rarely get a sick leave, only if my husband happens to have a free day from training or a break from the season or some other superhero like my mother has the chance to step in for me.

I am on a mission of regaining my good old identity back, which of course now is a few years older and wiser but I am definitely going in the right direction.

- I am going to start exercising and taking care of myself.
- I am going to learn how to ask for help when I need it.
- I will never let anyones opinions affect my choices I make in life for my family or myself.

Great things don't happen over night, but I am making progress.
I gained the confidence to start my own personal blog and I have a few more things on my bucket list in the near future that I want to achieve. I will share that with you when the time is right.

And just to make this clear! This post is not about me trying to be more selfish, because that I will never be. I will never stop being the attentive, care giving and hands on mother that I am. This is just a wake up call for myself. A mother of three small children is totally capable of living life to the fullest too! I can be a full time mother and also pursue certain things I dream about.

Xoxo